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Category: Child Custody

  • Managing Your Holiday Custody Schedule

    Peace, joy, and celebration are the hallmarks of the holiday season. The stretch between Thanksgiving and the New Year can be filled with happiness and goodwill. But for parents with shared custody, this time of year is often full of stress, disputes over holiday custody schedules, and conflict.

    During what tends to be a hectic time of year, that strain frequently ramps up the friction up even further.

    Having a plan and strategy takes at least one source of stress off the table. And let’s be real, you have plenty of others to contend with.

    Managing Your Holiday Custody Schedule

    Despite the potential for conflict, tension, and other problems, there are ways to deal with the impending holiday madness. Not everything works the same for every situation. That’s a given. But parents who successfully navigate their holiday custody schedule often employ the following tactics:

    Clear and Timely Communication

    Following a divorce or other split, things probably aren’t great between you and your ex. That’s just how these things usually go, especially if it’s a new or recent development. This often makes communication challenging. Add the extra stress of co-parenting during the holidays, and you face potential disaster.

    Though it may be tough, and you may rather have your wisdom teeth out than talk to your ex, clear and timely communication is vital.

    Parents who opt for this route usually fare much better than those who don’t.

    This is also sound advice outside of the holiday season.

    If you put aside your gripes and grievances for a time, this will go much faster and be much easier. Set a specific time to talk about holiday plans and schedules.

    Start early. Don’t wait until the last minute. It’s much easier to arrange or rearrange plans well in advance than to scramble the week before.

    This is important to everyone. Depending on the plans, it impacts you, your kids, your ex, and various other family members.

    Set Realistic Expectations

    Setting realistic expectations goes a long way to creating harmonious co-parenting.

    Many parents dream of perfect holiday gatherings full of warmth, grandeur, and perfection. Most of us know all too well that these lofty goals don’t usually come to fruition. Don’t stress about every detail being flawless.

    Remember, as you plan your celebrations, that spending time with your children is the most important part of the holidays. Set expectations around when and how you will celebrate.

    If you won’t have the kids on the actual holiday, there’s no rule saying you can’t open presents, feast, and engage in holiday merriment on another day or in another way.

    Expectations with presents should also be addressed. Divorce often strains finances, leaving less money for gift-giving. You want everything to be great, but don’t overextend yourself or make promises you can’t keep.

    Your kids will eventually forget about the toys or gifts, but they will hold onto how you made them feel.

    Before gift opening, preferably as early as possible, explain to your kids what they can expect from the holidays in an age-appropriate manner. The younger the child, the simpler the explanation should be. Let them know the plan, the arrangements you have made with your ex, and the holiday schedule.

    Maintain Consistency

    The holidays are hectic and chaotic for everyone. This is especially true for children with shared custody arrangements.

    Splitting time between parents and shuttling between households results in twice as many parties, functions, and activities.

    All too often, this also means twice as much stress and strain. It’s important to do what you can to ease that burden.

    It’s normal to expect some deviation from routines during the holidays. After all, the kids are out of school, relatives are in town, and maybe there’s travel to arrange.

    Still, the closer you can stick to the regular co-parenting schedule, the easier things will likely stay. Consistency and stability form the cornerstones of security, especially for younger children.

    If you do change the schedule, let the kids know as soon as possible. Give them as much advance notice as you can, and don’t spring alterations on them at the last moment. Tell them what’s going on as soon as you know.

    Keeping them informed about changes—the whens and wheres and whos of the schedule—provides peace of mind and eases stress during the holidays.

    Whatever the plans, take the time to ensure everyone follows good safety protocols and takes steps to protect everyone’s health and well-being.

    Related Reading: Child Custody and Parental Relocation

    Put the Kids First

    This was said earlier, but it bears repeating: Put the kids first.

    Everything else takes a back seat to them, their feelings, and their holiday experience. You and your ex are adults. Hopefully, you can both act like it for the short time you have to interact. Whether they know it or not, your kids will thank you.

    Parents who successfully manage holiday custody schedules put their children first when it comes to dealing with their ex.

    There’s no one out there who pushes your buttons quite like your ex. Committing to always acting in your child’s best interest can be key when disagreements arise. Be as calm and even as you can, even if your ex tries to pick fights.

    Maintaining a positive attitude can be difficult when dealing with your ex. Especially this time of year.

    Focusing on your kids helps to alleviate some of the frustration.

    Knowing your children will ultimately benefit from the arrangement makes compromising so much easier.

    Co-parenting and shared custody are almost always a challenge. The holiday season frequently intensifies issues between parents.

    Even minor disagreements often escalate thanks to the additional stress. Take steps to ease tensions and help everyone have a happier holiday season.

    Related Reading: My Ex Is Denying Court-Ordered Visitation

  • Keeping Custody Exchanges Civil

    Custody exchanges following divorce are often tough. No matter how bitter and hostile the process of ending your marriage was, if you have kids, you’re going to see your ex for at least a few minutes when picking up or dropping off.

    These tend to be difficult moments full of swirling emotions. All too often they erupt in conflict. It’s important to do what you can to minimize the fighting, for everyone’s sanity, but most importantly, for your kids.

    How To Deal With Tense Custody Exchanges

    Depending on how the parenting plan shakes out, you may potentially encounter your ex a few times a week. In the best of times, these custody exchanges are awkward. But there are things you can do to minimize the potential for friction.

    Here are some other ways to help smooth out custody exchanges.

    1. Make Exchanges in Public

    Many people are less likely to cause a scene if there are other folks around. You can use this to your advantage.

    Select a neutral spot where your ex is less likely to start a fight—though admittedly, some people will fight anywhere. A centrally located park or mall both offer good options. So do restaurants, coffee shops, and even supermarket parking lots.

    2. Bring A Witness

    Just like some people are reluctant to cause a stir in public, they may also behave better with a witness. Especially if it’s someone they know.

    Consider bringing a mutual acquaintance along for the custody exchange. A trusted friend who remains connected to both of you is often ideal.

    A third party may help smooth things out or just speed things along. And if the situation does turn dangerous, it never hurts to have someone there to see it all. Though let’s hope things aren’t that far gone.

    One caveat: If you have a new romantic interest in the picture, maybe don’t bring that person. This depends a great deal on just how much animosity there is, but a new significant other tagging along may cause more trouble than it’s worth.

    3. Preparation

    If you and your ex can’t be in the same room without fighting, don’t prolong the amount of time you have to spend together. Get everything together ahead of time. Preparing in advance makes things go faster and can smooth over potential rough spots.

    Whether for a quick overnight or a week-long vacation, make sure clothes, medications, school books, and anything else the kids need is ready to go. If they can’t live without it, pack it up.

    This also cuts down the chances of a late-night call or visit from your ex. And if you can send the kids right out the door, no one has to stand around waiting while you track down a lucky pair of pajamas.

    4. Custody Exchanges At Daycare

    Sometimes the best option is not to see your ex at all, and there are ways to accomplish this.

    One practical strategy many parents employ is to make custody exchanges at daycare or with a babysitter.

    Schedule things right and your ex drops the kids off and you pick them up. Or vice versa. Using child care as a kind of weigh station often cuts down on the fact time you have to endure with your ex.

    Communication and clear scheduling are key in these situations, but this approach often helps limit friction, contact, and conflict.

    5. Custody Exchanges At School

    Just like using daycare to trade off, you can use school to assist with custody exchanges.

    The concept is essentially the same as above: one parent drops the kids off in the morning, while the other picks them up in the afternoon.

    Executed properly, exchanges at school often limit face-to-face time with your former spouse.

    Again, like with child care, this takes communication. Not only do you and your ex have to be clear on the schedule, but this is the type of arrangement schools like to know. It’s less of an issue with teens and older kids, but administrators generally want to be aware of these plans.

    6. Alternate Forms Of Communication

    Visitation, overnight stays, and vacations are complicated enough. Add soccer practice, after-school robot club, and the myriad other activities kids participate in into the mix, and it turns into a logistical nightmare.

    No matter how much you’d rather not, if you have kids, you and your ex have to have at least some level of communication. Especially when your situation involves custody exchanges.

    Fortunately for many parents in this situation, modern technology presents alternate means of staying in touch. You can email, text, or use instant messenger. Online tools like Our Family Wizard and others offer scheduling services and co-parenting help.

    You can download apps on your smartphone. If you have friends or family members willing to help out and run messages back and forth, that’s also a possibility.

    After divorce, you may never want to see your ex again. If it’s just you, that’s fine. However, if you have kids, that’s not a realistic option. Custody exchanges are likely to be a fact of life. But there are ways to cut down on conflict and friction in these situations.

    Related Reading: What Does a Parenting Plan Include?

    Safe Exchange Zones

    In less-than-optimal circumstances, custody exchanges can devolve into open conflict. If things are bad, these meetings may even turn dangerous.

    More and more cities have started providing “Safe Exchange Zones.” Essentially, the police designate an area, be it parking spots or the lobby of a police station for strangers to meet up and exchange money or goods from websites like Craiglist. This can also be used for custody exchanges.

    Related Reading: Seattle Police Department Offers Safe Havens in Precinct Lobbies

    In Osage Beach, Missouri, they established a “Safe Exchange Zone” specifically for child custody exchanges.  Essentially, the police designated two parking spots in front of City Hall for parents to meet up.

    The area is under 24-hour surveillance seven days a week. Though they still recommend using good judgment, like meeting during daylight hours, they intend to provide a safe space for custody exchanges.

    Under the watchful eye of law enforcement, parents are less likely to cause a scene or do anything illegal. This is one way to keep things civil and ensure everyone plays nice.

    Hopefully, your situation doesn’t require police supervision, but there’s often still some level of friction.

    It may be a hard and a huge hassle, but it’s worth it for the sake of the kids. And to be honest, it’s also beneficial for your peace of mind and well-being.

    Have a plan in advance, be as efficient as possible, and make sure to communicate as clearly as you can. Do it right and it’ll all be over in a few minutes and everyone can keep their emotions in check. It’s better for everyone that way.

    Related Reading: Guardian Ad Litem: What You Need to Know

  • Ways To Protect Custody and Visitation

    One of the most harrowing parts of many divorces is the fight for child custody and visitation. The prospect of not being a part of their children’s lives, or at least having a diminished presence, terrifies many parents. Every situation is different, but in general, there are some dos and don’ts you can use to protect your custody and visitation rights as a parent.

    How Can You Protect Your Custody and Visitation Rights?

    It’s essential to put your best foot forward and portray yourself as a responsible, ideal parent. With that in mind, here are some dos and don’ts to help protect child custody and visitation.

    Do: Work With Your Ex

    Unless there are extreme circumstances in play, as long as both parents are in the picture, there will be some level of contact. Raising a child takes collaboration.

    If you continually show you’re unwilling to do this, it damages your cause. So, put aside your feelings and do what’s best for the kids.

    Even if you don’t particularly like each other, you and your ex have to work together.

    Related Reading: What to Expect from Custody Hearings

    Don’t: Move Out

    When ending a marriage, moving out seems like the natural choice. However, leaving a shared home often hinders your case later when it comes to custody and visitation.

    It’s all about perception with the courts, and it can look like you left children behind or that you’re not a dedicated parent.

    That may not be the case, but in the eyes of the court, it often reflects poorly. And if we’re talking about a heated battle, your ex may trot that out as an example of why you’re not a fit parent.

    Related Reading: Moving Out: What You Need To Know

    Do: Stay A Part Of Your Children’s Daily Life

    Being involved in your child’s daily life is important for many reasons. It helps your relationship, it’s good for both of you, and it may further your cause when it comes to custody and visitation.

    Spending regular quality time with the kids demonstrates in a concrete way the desire to be an involved parent.

    Also, when ruling on custody and the like, the court often tries to minimize drastic changes in schedule and routine. If you’re already an active participant, that’s less likely to change.

    Related Reading: Can I Still Smoke Weed? Legal Marijuana and Child Custody

    Don’t: Allow Your Ex To Remove You From Your Child’s Life

    Remaining a part of your child’s daily life isn’t always as simple as it sounds. This is especially true if your ex actively tries to cut you out of the picture or limit your visitation.

    It’s important to you, your case, and your relationship with your kids to stand up and not let your ex push you around.

    An occasional change of schedule is one thing, but if it becomes a pattern, you should consult your attorney to learn what to do and formulate a plan of action.

    Do: Know Your Rights

    It’s helpful to have an experienced attorney in your corner. But there’s also a lot of other information out there. Read up on custody laws where you live, find out how the courts determine visitation and parenting time, and learn how the state calculates child support.

    The more information you have, the better prepared you’ll be. This often goes a long way toward informing the strategy of your case.

    Don’t: Wait to Act

    It’s vital to take an active approach when it comes to child custody and visitation. A wait-and-see strategy often puts you at a disadvantage.

    Instead of acting, parents too often find themselves reacting to the other party’s actions. Instead of pushing for what you want and need, you spend time and energy going back against your ex.

    Related Reading: What’s in a Parenting Plan?

    Do: Document Everything

    Make sure to document and keep track of everything. Did your ex send an email unjustly denying you a scheduled visit? Save it. The same goes for text messages, social media posts, and voicemails.

    If you legitimately believe your child isn’t safe with your ex, keep records of why. You’ll need to show your work.

    Maintain a chronicle of the time you spend with your kids. That way, if your ex says you’re not involved, you have indisputable proof.

    Whatever claims you make to a judge, collect as much concrete evidence as you can to back up your statements.

    Don’t: Interfere With Your Ex’s Visitation

    You probably have all manner of ill feelings towards your ex. There are bound to be bruised emotions in divorce. But it’s still important for both parents to remain in a child’s life, so long as it’s not dangerous.

    If there’s visitation scheduled, don’t interfere or try to block it. If nothing else, it makes you look petty.

    And if you complain that your ex hampers your visitation, think about how it looks to a judge if you turn around and do the same thing.

    Do: Make Use of Your Parental Rights

    This goes back to remaining a part of your child’s life, but if you have parental rights, exercise them. If a temporary custody order gives you regular visitation, take advantage of that. Spend as much time with your kids as possible.

    This includes significant, special events, but also everyday things like homework or watching a movie. One, it’s beneficial to the kids and the parent-child bond. Two, it strengthens your case as an involved, concerned, dedicated parent. Simply being there often goes a long way.

    Don’t: Arrive Late, Reschedule, or Cancel

    Schedules change, last-minute complications arise, and sometimes things just don’t work out. That happens. But as much as possible, if you have a visit scheduled, don’t show up late, reschedule, or cancel.

    Not only is this frustrating for your children—it’s hard to get expectations up and have them not met—but it also leaves a negative impression. Consistently missing visits paints a picture of a parent who puts other things ahead of the children and their needs.

    Do: Abide By Temporary Court Rulings

    While the court deliberates over awarding child custody and visitation, the judge will likely dole out temporary orders. These can include:

    • Interim custody.
    • A visitation schedule.
    • Dividing holidays.
    • Child support.

    Stick to these. If you don’t, you can wind up facing contempt charges. At the very least, this makes you look unwilling to cooperate or that you don’t have the children’s best interests in mind.

    Related Reading: Violating Divorce Agreements: When To File A Motion For Contempt

    Don’t: Trash Talk Your Ex To The Kids

    Again, you may hate your ex. But while you’re with the kids, keep those feelings under wraps. Don’t use them as pawns in custody battles or try to turn them against your ex.

    Not only is it unhealthy for them, but if it appears you’re trying to manipulate them or turn them against your ex, it reflects negatively on your case.

    Instead of trying to make your ex look bad, focus on making yourself look good. Be the absolute best parent you can be. That helps your case so much more than going negative. It’s also much better for your kids.

    Do: Hire An Attorney Experienced in Child Custody and Visitation

    These cases are often complicated and messy. Flaring tempers and heated emotions only amplify this. It’s most likely in your best interest to hire an experienced child custody attorney.

    This is especially true if your ex enlists the help of a lawyer. Not only can a litigator guide you through the process, but when things get hot and you may not act rationally, an attorney can help calm things down and advise you on the best way to proceed.

    Other Reading: Establishing Paternity in Washington

  • Surviving Thanksgiving for Divorced Dads

    Thanksgiving is upon us. Though it’s traditionally full of family, friends, and other loved ones, this can be a tough time of year for newly divorced dads. You may feel alone, especially if you don’t have your kids for the holiday. But there are ways to cope and survive what can be a difficult time.

    Most custody arrangements split major holidays between the parents. Part of establishing the parenting plan during divorce usually involves hashing this out. Every family is different, so how this shakes out varies a great deal.

    • Sometimes couples split the holidays, like mom gets Christmas, while dad takes Thanksgiving.
    • Another common strategy is to alternate years. You get Thanksgiving next year, but this year the kids spend it with your ex.

    However the situation unfolds, holidays feel like they’re missing a major ingredient without your kids in the mix. 

    Feelings of sadness and depression may set in. Especially for newly divorced dads. Over time, you’ll probably come to terms with the situation, get used to it, and figure out ways to deal. But that first time stings the most.

    Fortunately, you don’t have to wallow in misery and have a pity party. That’s not healthy for anyone. There are ways to deal with divorce on Thanksgiving, and here are just a few tips and suggestions to help you through.

    Related Reading: Awesome Movies to Watch With Your Kids

    Celebrate Thanksgiving Another Way

    Just because Thanksgiving falls on a specific day doesn’t mean that’s when you have to celebrate. You don’t even have to see your kids in person. Set up a Zoom or Facetime celebration if you can’t see them face-to-face.

    And there’s no law against eating turkey on a day before or after the holiday proper—trust us, we’re lawyers, we looked into it. Your kids might even love having a second Thanksgiving.

    Do Something Fun On Your Own

    Even though you may be on your own, that doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy yourself. Don’t waste the day off feeling sorry for yourself or moping. There’s nothing wrong with being alone and enjoying your time.

    You can go to the movies, watch Thanksgiving Day football games at a sports bar, and eat whatever you want. You can always volunteer somewhere and take your mind off of your problems for a while and do some good for your community.

    Rally The Troops

    There’s no reason you have to be alone on Thanksgiving, even if your children are with you’re your ex. Maybe you know other people in similar situations, who can’t be with family for one reason or another. A “Friendsgiving” is an increasingly popular option.

    You’re probably not the only one looking for some comradery on the holiday. And if you make it a potluck, you don’t even have to do all the cooking and cleaning yourself. Everyone wins.

    Start New Thanksgiving Traditions

    You may have to pack up an old tradition and put it away, but what better time to start a new one? Or at least plan for something new. 

    Get with your kids and talk about what you want to do when this is all over. It can be a big, grand adventure, like a trip, or something small, like a movie date. Talk about what you want to do next Thanksgiving and maybe plan for a new family holiday ritual.

    Talk to Your Kids

    Whatever you ultimately decide to do, the most important thing is to talk to your kids.

    • You’re going through a tough, tumultuous time. But so are they.
    • Your life changed dramatically. So did theirs.
    • Remind them how much they mean to you and how much you care about them.
    • It’s vital to take steps to ensure they’re comfortable, secure, and understand the new situation.
    • Do what you can to make sure they have a happy, fun Thanksgiving.
    • In general, after divorce, open lines of communication with your kids are key, but it’s especially critical on holidays and other major events.
    • Remember, this isn’t only about you.

    These are just a few tips and suggestions to help newly divorced dads through Thanksgiving. It can be tough, but remember, it’s a holiday designed for giving thanks and being grateful for what you do have, not what you don’t.

    You may not feel like dwelling on the positive, but it’s better than the alternative. Take care of yourself, hug your kids, eat too much, and watch football. In short, take the time to appreciate the good things.

    Related Reading: Tips to Keep Custody Exchanges Civil

  • Do Grandparents Have Custody or Visitation Rights in Washington?

    Families often include much more than just parents and children. Extended families are common and grandparents frequently play large roles in a child’s life. When it comes to custody and visitation, however,  do grandparents have rights in Washington?

    As so often happens in family law matters, this situation gets complicated fast. While many states have provisions and laws to secure visitation rights for grandparents, Washington does not.

    Unfortunately, when it comes to grandparents’ rights, the state of the law in Washington is fairly tough. Grandparents’ rights are nearly non-existent. You will only see grandparents get involved when a parent is incapable of filling the parent role. In those instances, you may see a grandparent step in as a third-party custodian.

  • Parental Relocation: Can Your Ex Move With Your Child?

    In most situations, divorce represents a life-changing event with lasting repercussions. After a traumatic experience, after ending a marriage, many people want to get as far away as possible. If it’s just you, relocation is simple enough. However, when children are involved, matters become more complicated.

    We generally talk about this as if your ex wants to relocate with the kids. In reality, however, the same rules and restrictions also apply if you plan to move.

    What if your ex has custody and wants to relocate?

    Child custody is a huge point of concern and contention in many divorces. One component of a parenting plan is where the parent with primary custody lives with the children.

    Moving to a new house within the same school district is one thing. In these cases, the noncustodial parent has no grounds to object, though the new contact information must be shared.

    But a great distance, outside of the child’s current school district or to another state for example, is something else entirely.

    There are many reasons for relocating after a divorce. Escaping negative memories, new career and employment opportunities, and being near family, friends, or a support system. All of these factors and more often play a part in the decision.

    Parenting Plans And Relocation

    Creating a parenting plan is a significant part of the divorce process when children are involved.

    This is where you and your spouse work out the details regarding your respective parenting responsibilities. The two sides must arrange for primary custody, visitation, child support, and other matters.

    Laying the groundwork for a parenting plan can be a challenge in the best of circumstances. Schedules come into play, and all manner of logistical concerns arise.

    It’s difficult enough to set up vacations, weekend visits, soccer games, after-school activities, and all the rest even if you and your ex live in the same place.

    A great deal of effort goes into this document. Ultimately, your parenting plan has a significant impact on whether you or your ex can relocate with your children.

    To move, the custodial parent must file for a modification to the current custody agreement and obtain permission.

    If there isn’t a parenting plan or custody order in play, the custodial parent may be free to move at will. At least as long as there are no violations of Washington’s laws against custodial interference or the Uniform Child Custody and Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act.

    The parent who does not have the majority of residential time often seeks our services to prevent the intended relocation of the other parent, or to assist in negotiating or litigating a new reasonable Parenting Plan.

    However, a parent who spends most of their time with their children may need our assistance in following the proper procedures to facilitate the move.

    Related Reading: What Does a Parenting Plan Include?

    Parental Relocation Hearings

    The good news for you is that in most cases, your ex can’t simply decide to relocate with the kids.

    Like most things regarding kids, there’s a strict process and a procedure to follow, and you have recourse. Moving away without the court’s express permission can result in contempt charges, fines, and even imprisonment.

    The most common way to obtain this authorization is through a relocation hearing. If your ex wants to relocate with the kids, unless you’re okay with that, you’ll likely wind up in front of a judge.

    In Washington, the custodial parent is required to give a minimum of 60 days notice before the move. Once notice is served, the noncustodial parent has 30 days to file a formal objection.

    After that, the court sets a trial to determine whether the move represents the child’s best interests.

    Related Reading: Guardian Ad Litem: What You Need to Know

    How Does The Court Decide on Relocation?

    When it comes to child custody and matters involving minors, the best interests of the kids trump almost everything else.

    This is what the courts weigh most heavily in these matters. Much more than parental preference or convenience.

    Your ex may argue that moving to a new area enhances the children’s quality of life.

    Perhaps there’s a new job or financial opportunity, an extended network of family to provide childcare, or increased stability. Remarriage is also a common drive in these cases. The child’s needs may be better met in a new environment.

    There are numerous reasons why people choose to relocate.

    If you hope to block a move, you have to show that where the child lives currently is the best possible situation. This can be tough, however, and the custodial parent usually has the edge.

    The strain of removing the child from a familiar environment and reducing contact with the non-custodial parent are two elements that contribute to this.

    What Does The Court Look At When Making a Decision?

      • What motivation or desire prompted the relocation?
      • Are there advantages that benefit the child and improve their life?
      • Why do you oppose this move?
      • What are the logistics and financial impact?
      • What disadvantages will the move cause?
      • Is it possible to arrange a reasonable visitation schedule that preserves the parental relationship with the non-custodial parent?
      • What’s the likelihood that the parent with primary custody will honor the agreement?
      • Will a move truly afford the child(ren) an opportunity to form a relationship and bond with extended members of their family?

    In Washington State, the primary burden is actually upon the non-custodial parent. If the parent with primary custody desires to remove the child from the state, you must demonstrate that keeping the child in the state is in the child’s best interest.

    Do You Have To Go to Court If Your Ex Wants to Relocate?

    Relocation hearings don’t always happen when one parent wants to move away or out of state. If you and your ex can work out the details together, it’s possible to arrange it on your own. It may be complicated, but it is an option.

    In the case of an out-of-state move, both parents must give their consent and sign the appropriate documents. Before relocation occurs, a judge must also sign off on the matter and approve the move.

    How To Make It Work

    No matter how prepared you are, your ex may be granted permission to relocate with your children.

    Ideally, this decision will truly be what’s best for the kids, not one made out of spite or bitterness. However, that doesn’t make being apart from your family any easier.

    A great distance creates a new set of logistical problems to overcome.

    As your usual visitation won’t likely work anymore, you’ll have to make other arrangements.

    Instead of weekly overnights, perhaps your ex will make additional concessions. You may be able to coordinate more extended visits during holidays, summer vacations, or school breaks.

    Travel is another issue you face after relocation. If the distance is too long to reasonably drive, the kids will likely have to fly back and forth.

    In this situation, who pays for the plane tickets? Are the kids old enough to fly by themselves? If you go to them and make the effort to visit the new city, you incur your travel costs.

    These are all issues that you must confront and address. Ideally, both parties are amicable and able to work out a mutually beneficial arrangement for everyone involved.

    Related Reading: Co-Parenting Strategies for Divorced Parents

    Communication

    Even if you aren’t able to visit your children in person as often, you still have other ways to stay in touch.

    With cell phones, text messages, video chats, and social media, there are more tools available than ever before. Just because you’re far away doesn’t mean you don’t have opportunities to interact and stay a regular part of your child’s routine.

    Though there may be a great physical distance, you can remain an active part of your child’s life.

    • Make sure that the flow of information doesn’t dry up.
    • Do your best to keep up to date on their daily lives.
    • Whether it’s medical appointments, baseball games, grades, or disciplinary issues, keep the lines of communication as open as possible.

    These often seem like mundane details, but they are essential for maintaining an active presence as your child continues to grow.

    Preparing for Relocation

    The level of communication between you and your ex after divorce will likely vary a great deal. However, if you have kids, there will necessarily be some form of interaction.

    Ideally, if your former spouse intends to relocate, they’ll tell you well in advance.

    As we said, they’re legally required to give 60 days’ notice, but hopefully, they provide more than the bare  minimum. Even if it’s just an idea, or they let you know they applied for a job in a new city, hopefully they broach the subject well in advance.

    The more notice you receive, the more time you have to prepare. Either to contest the proposed move or to hammer out the logistics of the new arrangement.

    If you do plan to fight relocation, and the two sides can’t agree, consider hiring an attorney to help with the court process. These trials can become complex and contentious, and it’s usually your best option to have someone represent your rights and interests.

    Moving Forward

    If you don’t have a custody order or aren’t planning to obtain one, please recognize its significance. Understand that your parental rights may already be in jeopardy if you don’t have primary custody and your former spouse has a reasonable argument to move away with your kids.

    Whether they have a new spouse from a different area, a job that necessitates a move, or need to care for sick relatives, the bottom line is that unless you, the non-custodial parent, have a compelling reason to prevent your ex from relocating, it’s tricky to stop a move legally.

    Related Reading: Can You Modify Child Support Payments?

  • Co-Parenting Strategies

    The papers are signed, the assets divided, and the logistics all worked out. Everything’s done and over, and you never have to see your now-ex ever again, right? In some cases, the answer is a resounding yes. If you have children, however, it’s not always so easy. Welcome to the brave new world of co-parenting, these co-parenting strategies just might save your life. Or at least your sanity.

    What Is Co-Parenting?

    Co-parenting is when a couple breaks up, divorces, or otherwise separates, but continues to work together to raise a child or children. This basically becomes your new reality in one form or another.

    When a divorce involves kids, a key part of the process in Washington is the parenting plan. This lays out custody, visitation, child support payments, and how much time each parent spends with the kids.

    For most people, co-parenting represents a substantial change and the adjustment can be tough. You’ve got scheduling and logistical hurdles to clear. Then there’s the fact that you have to communicate with and most likely see your ex, which can be difficult for some.

    Co-Parenting Strategies

    Kids go through a lot in divorce. Co-parenting is no picnic for them, either. Just as you need to take care as you traverse this rugged terrain, you need to make sure they also have the tools to contend with a tumultuous, emotional time.

    With that in mind, here are some suggestions and potential co-parenting strategies for keeping things as smooth as possible.

    1. Communication and Co-Parenting Strategies

    There are visitation schedules to arrange, vacations to plan for, and it’s important each parent lets the other know what’s going on in a child’s life. How much work this takes depends on how amicable you and your ex are after the split.

    This is often difficult, but fortunately, we live in an age of technological marvels that can lend a hand.

    If you can’t talk in person or on the phone without arguing, email, text messages, social media, and instant messaging services provide alternative ways to stay in touch. Various online co-parenting tools and smartphone apps also help balance hectic schedules.

    2. Co-Parenting and Consistency

    Kids tend to push back and test boundaries in new situations. When rules and expectations change from one parent to the next, problems often arise. Consistency across the board is essential to keep things from going too far.

    Establishing a uniform structure between homes often reduces conflict. The kids can’t say, “But dad lets me…” or “At mom’s house…” because you already know the rules about homework, bedtime, and all the rest.

    Not only does this provide stability after an unstable time, it makes day-to-day life easier.

    3. Co-Parenting And Schedules

    While consistency is key in co-parenting, another big part of that is maintaining a regular schedule.

    Watching parents go through a divorce is often confusing and disorienting for kids. Keeping a steady schedule goes a long way toward creating a sense of stability and normalcy. This way they know where they’ll be, who they’ll see, and what to expect.

    Children lead increasingly busy, hectic lives, and changes are bound to happen. When they do, it’s important to let the kids know as far in advance as possible, so they know what to anticipate.

    4. Stay Positive

    For the sake of your children, it’s important to commit to keeping a positive attitude in co-parenting.

    Try your best not to fight—often easier said than done—your kids have likely seen enough of that to last a lifetime. Don’t badmouth your ex in front of, or especially to your kids.

    You don’t have to like your ex, but for the kids, try to keep your emotions in check. It isn’t always easy to avoid, but bitterness doesn’t do anyone any good, and your kids first and foremost.

    And never use your children as tools for revenge or retribution. It will come back to haunt you in many ways.

    5. Love Your Kids

    This probably sounds obvious, but it’s a detail that too often gets lost in the shuffle. How the custody arrangement shakes out impacts a parent’s relationship with their kids. No matter what, it’s never going to be exactly the same as it was.

    The parent with primary physical custody may feel overwhelmed by taking care of everything. On the other hand, if you only see your kids every other weekend, it can make you feel isolated. It’s easy to focus on these aspects and wallow, but it’s vital to remind your kids how much you care about them.

    Even though you may have unequal parenting time, each parent remains a key part of the child’s life. Remind them that they’re loved and cared for. Show them and tell them how much they mean to you.

    Co-parenting after divorce isn’t always easy, but there are ways to make it work. These are just a few tools and strategies that may prove useful, though you’ll have to see what works best for you and your situation.

    If nothing else, remember that your kids are what’s most important. Keep that in mind and you’re at least on the right track.

    Related Reading: What Does a Parenting Plan Include?

  • How Does Legal Marijuana Affect Child Custody?

    Here’s a popular question we hear all the time: How does legal marijuana affect child custody?

    When Washington State voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana in 2012, it opened up a metaphorical can of worms. Legally speaking. Initiative 502, which passed by a 56% to 44% margin in a general election, allows adults over the age of 21 to possess and use small amounts of the drug for fun and games.

    It does, however, remain illegal on the federal level and is heavily regulated. This includes who can buy it, where it can be purchased, and when and where it can be used.

    This decision had a big impact on taxes, laws, and even criminal proceedings. Prosecutors quickly dropped most pending misdemeanor cases.

    Despite this newfound legal status, and the fact that you can buy it at one of the many stores that dot the Washington landscape like springtime mushrooms, recreational marijuana use still carries a stigma. Additionally, it often affects child custody cases.

    Since legal weed is a fairly new phenomenon, there’s not a lot of hard data about how it impacts child custody decisions. We do, however, hear anecdotal stories from all over the place, not just Washington.

    • People have lost temporary custody of their children after obtaining a medical marijuana card.
    • A couple growing legal plants had their child taken away by the authorities, and there are more tales like this floating around.

    Many of these cases eventually went the way of the parents, with the courts deciding that the children were not in any actual immediate danger. This does, however, illustrate a larger issue: legal marijuana use is a huge gray area when it comes to child custody and well-being.

    How Legal Marijuana Use Impacts Custody:

    From a theoretical standpoint, legal marijuana use falls into a similar category as alcohol consumption. The reality, however, is that they’re not always treated the same way. As there aren’t any set-in-stone guidelines, cases are likely to vary a great deal depending on the people involved.

    Though Washington and an increasing number of other states now consider marijuana legal, under federal law it still falls in the same category as heroin, LSD, and other Schedule 1 drugs. While this shouldn’t directly impact your custody case, it speaks to the stigma attached to the substance.

    When many people think of marijuana smokers, rightly or wrongly, they often picture a burned-out dude sitting on a couch, surrounded by a haze of smoke, plowing through a giant tub of cheese puffs.

    Child custody cases can be tense and hostile to begin with. If the issue is hotly contested between you and your ex, it’s possible there will be mud-slinging involved.

    If you regularly use marijuana, this fact may be brought up as an illustration of why you’re an unfit parent. Whether that’s true or not.

    The court likely won’t base a decision in your custody case solely on whether or not you use recreational marijuana. But it could very well be a factor. Occasional use is one thing, but if evidence shows it significantly impairs your ability to take care of your children or endangers their health and welfare, expect an impact.

    How To Protect Yourself:

    Marijuana use won’t likely preclude you from winning custody in a divorce, though it may play a part. And there are steps you can take to lessen the impact and protect your custodial rights.

    Perhaps the biggest rule of thumb is, don’t be reckless.

    • If you have paraphernalia, don’t leave it lying around where the kids have access to it.
    • Regardless of the regularity of your use, take steps to limit your kid’s exposure to any controlled substances.
    • If edibles, like brownies or cookies, are more your speed, keep them secure. Stash them out of the way in a place where your children aren’t going to happen across them when looking for a snack.

    In short, use common sense and don’t create an unsafe environment, or even one that can be construed as such.

    Again, going back to the alcohol parallels is a good place to look for guidance. If your marijuana use negatively impacts your capacity to look after your children, leave the bong on the shelf for the night.

    Perhaps talking to your kids about it will help. It should also go without saying, but if you’re going to be behind the wheel of a car, especially when your children are involved, don’t be impaired in any way. For everyone’s safety.

    Much like with cigarettes, smoking marijuana around your kids is also likely going to be frowned upon by authorities. Consider the people deciding who gets guardianship and determining the extent of your visitation.

    When It Becomes a Problem

    Substance abuse, regardless of the legal standing of the intoxicant in question, is almost always going to come into play when the court establishes custody in a divorce.

    Marijuana is no different in that regard. It may be legal in Washington, and you may be able to buy it at the new pot shop that just opened down the street, but you still need to be aware of the ramifications. And like alcohol, if you overindulge or marijuana use becomes an issue in your life, it can become an issue in your custody case as well.

    The final decision will likely vary case-by-case and court-to-court. Regardless, refrain from giving your ex any additional ammunition when it comes to custody.

    If you have questions about how marijuana use impacts your situation, your best bet may be to consult an attorney. Or if you think it could play a part, maybe take a break from Mary Jane until there is a resolution.

    What About Vaping?

    More and more, instead of smoking marijuana, people choose to vape. This option has ballooned in popularity. As opposed to burning the marijuana and inhaling the smoke, a device heats the cannabis until it releases the active ingredients, which are then inhaled.

    There’s a debate about the relative safety of vaping as opposed to smoking, but for our purposes, let’s focus more on how it impacts child custody.

    As this is relatively new, there’s not much hard data on the matter. Certainly since vaping produces no smoke, that means there are none of the risks associated with second-hand smoke. That’s likely considered a positive by some.

    That said, courts may also view this as similar to smoking cigarettes around your children in terms of safety. Others may not. Still more will view using marijuana around your kids in any capacity as a negative.

    There’s so much uncharted territory, and it varies from one case to the next, it’s next to impossible to predict how a specific judge will react. 

    In general, the courts will likely view marijuana consumption as marijuana consumption, no matter the delivery method. This is true whether you smoke, vape, or use edibles or other products. If it’s part of your life, it’s likely to become a topic of discussion in your custody case.

    Do what you can to limit the effect it has. If you worry it will become a point of contention, take steps to make sure that doesn’t happen. If that means taking a break, take a break.

    Related Reading: Does It Matter Who Files For Divorce First?

    Has the Stigma Around Legal Marijuana Changed?

    In states like ours, where marijuana is legal, the public stigma has and continues to change. Old views remain, but they evolve as it becomes normalized.

    Dispensaries are common sights and they often look like the professional businesses they are. There are even chains. It’s increasingly a part of the everyday landscape.

    From a strictly legal standpoint, simply using marijuana recreationally shouldn’t negatively impact your custody claim. Still, the stereotype of the lazy, forgetful stoner persists. It’s sure to carry more weight with some people than with others, but it’s out there and you should be aware of it.

    Especially because you don’t always know how other people feel about the subject. You and your friends may not give it a second thought, but there remain negative associations in many circles.

    Think of marijuana use in terms of alcohol. Whether you drink whiskey or wine, you’re still consuming alcohol. And though it’s legal, it can still impact your case. If it compromises your ability as a parent, impairs your judgment, or use becomes a problem, it may pop up in court.

    If you find yourself in a hotly contested custody dispute and frequently use marijuana, it’s entirely possible your ex might try to use it against you.

    Again, alcohol is a good comparison point. If you spend every night in a bar, that’s likely to come up. Smoking a joint every night will likely play in a similar fashion.

    In short, even with legal status and changing views on the matter, since so much remains up in the air and subjective, it’s best to play it safe when it comes to marijuana use and your custody case.

  • Pending Criminal Charges And Child Custody

    Seattle Seahawks defensive backs past and future have had a rough go of it lately. First, there was the situation where former safety Earl Thomas’s wife allegedly held him at gunpoint over infidelity.

    Now, newly acquired cornerback Quinton Dunbar had a warrant issued for his alleged involvement in a recent armed robbery. Over the weekend, he turned himself in to authorities and was released on bail.

    One of our founding partners, Rick Jones, recently appeared on the Puck Show on Seattle sports radio station 950 KJR to lend a legal perspective to the story. He noted the potential penalties Dunbar, who was recently traded to Seattle from the Washington Redskins, could face if convicted. Additionally, he also offered his opinion on possible legal strategies Dunbar’s defense could employ.

    It’s an evolving situation—recently, five witnesses signed sworn affidavits that could exonerate Dunbar, and he and his attorney maintain his innocence. Also, since criminal law isn’t our usual wheelhouse, that’s a topic for another time and place. However, this does have the potential to cross over into family law territory. And that happens to be our area of expertise.

    Dunbar has a young daughter, born in 2016. In general, he keeps his personal life private. Though we know he’s unmarried, there’s not much information on his living situation or custody status.

    How do pending criminal charges affect custody claims?

    The short answer is that criminal charges can have a substantial impact on a custody case. As with so many things related to family law, how and how much differs from case to case.

    Are The Criminal Charges Related to the Case?

    When it comes to custody decisions, the best interests of the children trump all other concerns. Because of this, if the criminal charges in question directly relate to the case, they have significant consequences.

    If a parent gets arrested during the case, or there are charges pending, that’s bound to come up. Still, even then, multiple factors play a role. For instance, if the police arrest your ex for shoplifting, it may have minimal impact.

    However, if you’re talking about a violent crime, or a charge with substantial jail time, that’s a different story.

    Do the Charges Affect Parenting Ability?

    Even if criminal charges don’t directly relate to a custody case, they may still rear their ugly head. They often negatively reflect on parenting ability, which influences a court’s decision on where a child lives.

    If you face years in prison, the court may not award you custody. They want to keep a child’s living situation as stable as possible. If you go to jail, the circumstances change drastically.

    Similarly, if your ex has a drunk driving arrest, that may indicate a pattern of poor decision-making. Especially when it comes to repeat offenses.

    If a parent routinely takes actions that put the child’s safety in question, the court doesn’t look on that kindly.

    Related Reading: Are Divorce Records Public? How to Access Them

    Not All Charges are Created Equal

    As we said, the court doesn’t look at all criminal charges the same way. The nature of a crime has a sizable influence. Multiple felonies will lead to more questions than a single misdemeanor, for example.

    Homicide, aggravated assault, kidnapping, and stalking carry more weight. Any sexual crime, especially ones involving minors, will turn heads in a bad way.

    Basically, anything that endangers the children will impact a custody decision.

    With charges like this, the other parent often files for emergency custody. These cases usually take a long time, especially when waiting for a court date. But if a child is in imminent danger, the court may award temporary custody.

    Temporary orders don’t only happen in cases with criminal charges. If there are abuse concerns, mental illness, or other potentially dangerous situations, a parent can seek such a ruling.

    Criminal charges often impact custody cases. Exactly how depends on the specifics of the charge and the surrounding circumstances. If you have questions about how your case may fare, consult an experienced divorce or family law attorney.

    Related Reading: What Is A Guardian Ad Litem?
    Related Reading: How Are Protection Orders Used in Divorce and Child Custody Cases?