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One of the most harrowing parts of many divorces is the fight for child custody and visitation. The prospect of not being a part of their children’s lives, or at least having a diminished presence, terrifies many parents. Every situation is different, but in general, there are some dos and don’ts you can use to protect your custody and visitation rights as a parent.

How Can You Protect Your Custody and Visitation Rights?

It’s essential to put your best foot forward and portray yourself as a responsible, ideal parent. With that in mind, here are some dos and don’ts to help protect child custody and visitation.

Do: Work With Your Ex

Unless there are extreme circumstances in play, as long as both parents are in the picture, there will be some level of contact. Raising a child takes collaboration.

If you continually show you’re unwilling to do this, it damages your cause. So, put aside your feelings and do what’s best for the kids.

Even if you don’t particularly like each other, you and your ex have to work together.

Related Reading: What to Expect from Custody Hearings

Don’t: Move Out

When ending a marriage, moving out seems like the natural choice. However, leaving a shared home often hinders your case later when it comes to custody and visitation.

It’s all about perception with the courts, and it can look like you left children behind or that you’re not a dedicated parent.

That may not be the case, but in the eyes of the court, it often reflects poorly. And if we’re talking about a heated battle, your ex may trot that out as an example of why you’re not a fit parent.

Related Reading: Moving Out: What You Need To Know

Do: Stay A Part Of Your Children’s Daily Life

Being involved in your child’s daily life is important for many reasons. It helps your relationship, it’s good for both of you, and it may further your cause when it comes to custody and visitation.

Spending regular quality time with the kids demonstrates in a concrete way the desire to be an involved parent.

Also, when ruling on custody and the like, the court often tries to minimize drastic changes in schedule and routine. If you’re already an active participant, that’s less likely to change.

Related Reading: Can I Still Smoke Weed? Legal Marijuana and Child Custody

Don’t: Allow Your Ex To Remove You From Your Child’s Life

Remaining a part of your child’s daily life isn’t always as simple as it sounds. This is especially true if your ex actively tries to cut you out of the picture or limit your visitation.

It’s important to you, your case, and your relationship with your kids to stand up and not let your ex push you around.

An occasional change of schedule is one thing, but if it becomes a pattern, you should consult your attorney to learn what to do and formulate a plan of action.

Do: Know Your Rights

It’s helpful to have an experienced attorney in your corner. But there’s also a lot of other information out there. Read up on custody laws where you live, find out how the courts determine visitation and parenting time, and learn how the state calculates child support.

The more information you have, the better prepared you’ll be. This often goes a long way toward informing the strategy of your case.

Don’t: Wait to Act

It’s vital to take an active approach when it comes to child custody and visitation. A wait-and-see strategy often puts you at a disadvantage.

Instead of acting, parents too often find themselves reacting to the other party’s actions. Instead of pushing for what you want and need, you spend time and energy going back against your ex.

Related Reading: What’s in a Parenting Plan?

Do: Document Everything

Make sure to document and keep track of everything. Did your ex send an email unjustly denying you a scheduled visit? Save it. The same goes for text messages, social media posts, and voicemails.

If you legitimately believe your child isn’t safe with your ex, keep records of why. You’ll need to show your work.

Maintain a chronicle of the time you spend with your kids. That way, if your ex says you’re not involved, you have indisputable proof.

Whatever claims you make to a judge, collect as much concrete evidence as you can to back up your statements.

Don’t: Interfere With Your Ex’s Visitation

You probably have all manner of ill feelings towards your ex. There are bound to be bruised emotions in divorce. But it’s still important for both parents to remain in a child’s life, so long as it’s not dangerous.

If there’s visitation scheduled, don’t interfere or try to block it. If nothing else, it makes you look petty.

And if you complain that your ex hampers your visitation, think about how it looks to a judge if you turn around and do the same thing.

Do: Make Use of Your Parental Rights

This goes back to remaining a part of your child’s life, but if you have parental rights, exercise them. If a temporary custody order gives you regular visitation, take advantage of that. Spend as much time with your kids as possible.

This includes significant, special events, but also everyday things like homework or watching a movie. One, it’s beneficial to the kids and the parent-child bond. Two, it strengthens your case as an involved, concerned, dedicated parent. Simply being there often goes a long way.

Don’t: Arrive Late, Reschedule, or Cancel

Schedules change, last-minute complications arise, and sometimes things just don’t work out. That happens. But as much as possible, if you have a visit scheduled, don’t show up late, reschedule, or cancel.

Not only is this frustrating for your children—it’s hard to get expectations up and have them not met—but it also leaves a negative impression. Consistently missing visits paints a picture of a parent who puts other things ahead of the children and their needs.

Do: Abide By Temporary Court Rulings

While the court deliberates over awarding child custody and visitation, the judge will likely dole out temporary orders. These can include:

• Interim custody.
• A visitation schedule.
• Dividing holidays.
• Child support.

Stick to these. If you don’t, you can wind up facing contempt charges. At the very least, this makes you look unwilling to cooperate or that you don’t have the children’s best interests in mind.

Related Reading: Violating Divorce Agreements: When To File A Motion For Contempt

Don’t: Trash Talk Your Ex To The Kids

Again, you may hate your ex. But while you’re with the kids, keep those feelings under wraps. Don’t use them as pawns in custody battles or try to turn them against your ex.

Not only is it unhealthy for them, but if it appears you’re trying to manipulate them or turn them against your ex, it reflects negatively on your case.

Instead of trying to make your ex look bad, focus on making yourself look good. Be the absolute best parent you can be. That helps your case so much more than going negative. It’s also much better for your kids.

Do: Hire An Attorney Experienced in Child Custody and Visitation

These cases are often complicated and messy. Flaring tempers and heated emotions only amplify this. It’s most likely in your best interest to hire an experienced child custody attorney.

This is especially true if your ex enlists the help of a lawyer. Not only can a litigator guide you through the process, but when things get hot and you may not act rationally, an attorney can help calm things down and advise you on the best way to proceed.

Other Reading: Establishing Paternity in Washington

Here’s a popular question we hear all the time: How does legal marijuana affect child custody?

When Washington State voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana in 2012, it opened up a metaphorical can of worms. Legally speaking. Initiative 502, which passed by a 56% to 44% margin in a general election, allows adults over the age of 21 to possess and use small amounts of the drug for fun and games.

It does, however, remain illegal on the federal level and is heavily regulated. This includes who can buy it, where it can be purchased, and when and where it can be used.

This decision had a big impact on taxes, laws, and even criminal proceedings. Prosecutors quickly dropped most pending misdemeanor cases.

Despite this newfound legal status, and the fact that you can buy it at one of the many stores that dot the Washington landscape like springtime mushrooms, recreational marijuana use still carries a stigma. Additionally, it often affects child custody cases.

Since legal weed is a fairly new phenomenon, there’s not a lot of hard data about how it impacts child custody decisions. We do, however, hear anecdotal stories from all over the place, not just Washington.

• People have lost temporary custody of their children after obtaining a medical marijuana card.
• A couple growing legal plants had their child taken away by the authorities, and there are more tales like this floating around.

Many of these cases eventually went the way of the parents, with the courts deciding that the children were not in any actual immediate danger. This does, however, illustrate a larger issue: legal marijuana use is a huge gray area when it comes to child custody and well-being.

How Legal Marijuana Use Impacts Custody:

From a theoretical standpoint, legal marijuana use falls into a similar category as alcohol consumption. The reality, however, is that they’re not always treated the same way. As there aren’t any set-in-stone guidelines, cases are likely to vary a great deal depending on the people involved.

Though Washington and an increasing number of other states now consider marijuana legal, under federal law it still falls in the same category as heroin, LSD, and other Schedule 1 drugs. While this shouldn’t directly impact your custody case, it speaks to the stigma attached to the substance.

When many people think of marijuana smokers, rightly or wrongly, they often picture a burned-out dude sitting on a couch, surrounded by a haze of smoke, plowing through a giant tub of cheese puffs.

Child custody cases can be tense and hostile to begin with. If the issue is hotly contested between you and your ex, it’s possible there will be mud-slinging involved.

If you regularly use marijuana, this fact may be brought up as an illustration of why you’re an unfit parent. Whether that’s true or not.

The court likely won’t base a decision in your custody case solely on whether or not you use recreational marijuana. But it could very well be a factor. Occasional use is one thing, but if evidence shows it significantly impairs your ability to take care of your children or endangers their health and welfare, expect an impact.

How To Protect Yourself:

Marijuana use won’t likely preclude you from winning custody in a divorce, though it may play a part. And there are steps you can take to lessen the impact and protect your custodial rights.

Perhaps the biggest rule of thumb is, don’t be reckless.

• If you have paraphernalia, don’t leave it lying around where the kids have access to it.
• Regardless of the regularity of your use, take steps to limit your kid’s exposure to any controlled substances.
• If edibles, like brownies or cookies, are more your speed, keep them secure. Stash them out of the way in a place where your children aren’t going to happen across them when looking for a snack.

In short, use common sense and don’t create an unsafe environment, or even one that can be construed as such.

Again, going back to the alcohol parallels is a good place to look for guidance. If your marijuana use negatively impacts your capacity to look after your children, leave the bong on the shelf for the night.

Perhaps talking to your kids about it will help. It should also go without saying, but if you’re going to be behind the wheel of a car, especially when your children are involved, don’t be impaired in any way. For everyone’s safety.

Much like with cigarettes, smoking marijuana around your kids is also likely going to be frowned upon by authorities. Consider the people deciding who gets guardianship and determining the extent of your visitation.

When It Becomes a Problem

Substance abuse, regardless of the legal standing of the intoxicant in question, is almost always going to come into play when the court establishes custody in a divorce.

Marijuana is no different in that regard. It may be legal in Washington, and you may be able to buy it at the new pot shop that just opened down the street, but you still need to be aware of the ramifications. And like alcohol, if you overindulge or marijuana use becomes an issue in your life, it can become an issue in your custody case as well.

The final decision will likely vary case-by-case and court-to-court. Regardless, refrain from giving your ex any additional ammunition when it comes to custody.

If you have questions about how marijuana use impacts your situation, your best bet may be to consult an attorney. Or if you think it could play a part, maybe take a break from Mary Jane until there is a resolution.

What About Vaping?

More and more, instead of smoking marijuana, people choose to vape. This option has ballooned in popularity. As opposed to burning the marijuana and inhaling the smoke, a device heats the cannabis until it releases the active ingredients, which are then inhaled.

There’s a debate about the relative safety of vaping as opposed to smoking, but for our purposes, let’s focus more on how it impacts child custody.

As this is relatively new, there’s not much hard data on the matter. Certainly since vaping produces no smoke, that means there are none of the risks associated with second-hand smoke. That’s likely considered a positive by some.

That said, courts may also view this as similar to smoking cigarettes around your children in terms of safety. Others may not. Still more will view using marijuana around your kids in any capacity as a negative.

There’s so much uncharted territory, and it varies from one case to the next, it’s next to impossible to predict how a specific judge will react. 

In general, the courts will likely view marijuana consumption as marijuana consumption, no matter the delivery method. This is true whether you smoke, vape, or use edibles or other products. If it’s part of your life, it’s likely to become a topic of discussion in your custody case.

Do what you can to limit the effect it has. If you worry it will become a point of contention, take steps to make sure that doesn’t happen. If that means taking a break, take a break.

Related Reading: Does It Matter Who Files For Divorce First?

Has the Stigma Around Legal Marijuana Changed?

In states like ours, where marijuana is legal, the public stigma has and continues to change. Old views remain, but they evolve as it becomes normalized.

Dispensaries are common sights and they often look like the professional businesses they are. There are even chains. It’s increasingly a part of the everyday landscape.

From a strictly legal standpoint, simply using marijuana recreationally shouldn’t negatively impact your custody claim. Still, the stereotype of the lazy, forgetful stoner persists. It’s sure to carry more weight with some people than with others, but it’s out there and you should be aware of it.

Especially because you don’t always know how other people feel about the subject. You and your friends may not give it a second thought, but there remain negative associations in many circles.

Think of marijuana use in terms of alcohol. Whether you drink whiskey or wine, you’re still consuming alcohol. And though it’s legal, it can still impact your case. If it compromises your ability as a parent, impairs your judgment, or use becomes a problem, it may pop up in court.

If you find yourself in a hotly contested custody dispute and frequently use marijuana, it’s entirely possible your ex might try to use it against you.

Again, alcohol is a good comparison point. If you spend every night in a bar, that’s likely to come up. Smoking a joint every night will likely play in a similar fashion.

In short, even with legal status and changing views on the matter, since so much remains up in the air and subjective, it’s best to play it safe when it comes to marijuana use and your custody case.